Settling In...

We are settling in after our big move. London loves feeding the turkeys, chickens and "roadrunners" (as he likes to call them.) We had our first snow down here and London and I built a snowman together. It was a lot of fun. We took pictures of his "Frosty the Snowman" and it turned out really cute.

We attended a candle-light service on Christmas eve at a local church. London sang his little heart out and he loved holding his candle.

London enjoyed his Christmas presents. Mike and I didn't even open our presents until 7pm Christmas night. It just didn't feel like Christmas and we just weren't in the Christmas mood. We tried to be in the Christmas spirit for London though, regardless how we were feeling.

My mom and I have been talking via the telephone. She apologized to me the night we moved away which is huge for her - she's part of the parenting group who thinks they need not admit fault for anything they've done or haven't done. I hope to never be that type of parent. It's like getting to know each other all over again but part of me will always be cautious with her.

My Dad has started his drinking again. I don't mind people who drink occasionally and stay coherent and somewhat sober. But, if the drinker is going to be belligerent, sneaky, self-centered, and unpredictable I don't want to be around them - nor do I want my child around them. Alcoholism is one of the most selfish addictions. The drinker doesn't care about providing for their family, or holding down a job. They expect to be doted on and treated like royalty while causing their family nothing but sorrow and grief. And, what about all of the times that the drinker drives intoxicated with their family in the vehicle with them? They don't care if they hurt or maim or kill their family members or anyone else on the road. All they think about is their next drink and who they're going to take it out on when things don't go their way. I don't think highly of people who drink just for the fun of causing their family sorrow and grief, and I don't think highly of all of the enablers who probably clean up the mess the next day from their hangovers and who sweep it all under the carpet for fear of 'rocking the boat'. Mike and I have attended enough Al-Anon meetings to know what enablers should and should not do. I'm going to rock the boat and I don't care who gets mad at me for writing this. I'm done with trying to live my life to please everyone else.

I have my appt. tomorrow to start my genetic testing and hopefully find some answers as to why I keep having miscarriages. I'm a little nervous and scared to find out if something is wrong with me.


Will write more later on another day. Ta ta for now.

Heartbreak

I was scared and excited with a positive pregnancy test.
I was careful not to lift anything and ate only the best.
Imagine my shock and sadness to learn that you couldn't stay.
You had to leave and in doing so my hopes and dreams thrown away.
I held you in my hand, inspecting you with sadness and awe.
Heartbroken you were no longer in my tummy and at what I saw.
I'm not sure if I'll fully recover or if I'll try for another baby or not.
Because maybe I'm only supposed to be happy with the baby that I've got.


T.S.R. 2007